Bring It In: How to Give a Great Hug – SMJ 003

You're about to Learn ...

• 15 of my best tips to turn a mediocre hug into a memorable one.
• Why the best hugs have nothing to do with physical contact.
• The subtle similarities and wild differences in how cultures greet each other.
• How to telegraph your hugging intentions to help your fellow huggers.
• How long your hug should last – and how to relax into it.
• What to do with your arms, hands, and mouth while you’re hugging.
• The post-hug moment that solidifies a great hug.
• Why you're no longer strangers after you've hugged each other.
• Who has heavily influenced my hugging philosophy and why.
• A two-minute masterclass from running the Hug Deli at Burning Man.

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Resources and Items Mentioned in This Episode

Resources

• BuzzFeed: How to Give a Good Hug

Timestamps and Topics

• [00:01:29] What a more hug-friendly world might look like – and its complications.
• [00:03:26] Quantum biology: why hugging is literally tuning into another person's signal.
• [00:06:19] Where this episode came from – and Joel's hugging credentials.
• [00:09:25] Origin story: Ryan Nicodemus converts handshakes to hugs in Minneapolis.
• [00:11:53] Consent is the non-negotiable foundation of every hug.
• [00:15:23] Overview: the 15 things that make a great hug.
• [00:16:48] Deep dive into all 15 tips in full detail.
• [00:36:01] Burning Man's Hug Deli and the long, uncomfortable hug.
• [00:38:44] Full recap of all 15 tips.

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Transcript

Well, hey there, and welcome to Surprise Me, Joel with your host, Joel Zaslofsky. Whether or not you’re listening on January 21st – better known as International Hugging Day – isn’t important. It’s what you do on all the other days of the year that matters.

I’d love to give you a big ol’ hug to show you just how much I appreciate your time and attention in this episode. Since I can’t give you a great hug while you listen, I hope you’ll take a rain check. Even better, I hope what I’m about to explore will help you give everyone else better hugs and make the world a more huggable, loveable place.

As we get into this episode, you may be asking yourself: “Is Joel seriously doing a dedicated episode on what he feels and knows to be the best way to give great hugs?!” And the answer is “Yes – yes I am.” The power of the hug is one of the most misunderstood and valuable things we can offer each other and it’s definitely worth an entire episode. Let's start with why.

Here's what I believe: If we hugged more, or hugs became a more prominent way of greeting or saying farewell to another human, we'd trust each other more. Power differentials like boss/employee or leader/follower would feel and be less stark when both people have physically held each other. The handshake, especially in a business context, is partly a dominance ritual about grip strength, eye contact, and who releases first. A hug doesn't have that same burdensome context.

Yes, our current default global greeting – the handshake – evolved in part because it's a fast, low-stakes, low-information exchange. A hug requires more calibration, more consent, more physical proximity. There are billions of people on our planet already uncomfortable with or even traumatized by physical contact. And a forced default to hugging would feel like cultural imperialism or something to avoid at all costs. The workplace harassment landscape would also get significantly more complex in the short-term if we hugged as a default. The norms around hugging are something I want to change over time, not happen immediately with the non-existent magic wand I kind of wish I had.

I'll save a deep dive into the realm of quantum biology for another episode. But I will say that the bioelectric exchange during sustained physical contact is its own phenomenon: skin-to-skin contact involves photon exchange, piezoelectric effects in connective tissue, and electromagnetic field overlap. You might be wondering: Joel … are those good things or bad things? I assure you they are good things. Humans are antennas and hugging is literally tuning into another person's signal.

Close touch also communicates things that words can't. I've read some studies on non-verbal emotional communication and they consistently show that close, brief touch alone can convey some of the best things we can offer each other with remarkable accuracy. I'm talking about love, gratitude, and compassion.

I guess I don't necessarily need hugs to replace handshakes. There is absolutely a place for them, along with greetings and farewells like the bow, the namaste, the hongi, the cheek kiss, the fist bump, and dozens of other forms of respectful acknowledgment that carry deep meaning in their own contexts. In many Mediterranean, Latin American, and Middle Eastern cultures, cheek kisses are the default greeting and hugs carry different weight. And in many parts of Asia, physical contact between near-strangers is genuinely forbidden. So yes, I realize my advice is culturally encoded to Northern European / American norms.

What I'm saying is that I want more consent-based, read-the-room, high-quality touch to become more normalized.

I got the idea for an episode all about hugs after sharing a post with my Facebook friends in 2017 on my secrets to giving a great hug. It got a tremendous response and I learned more about what makes for a great hug from other people’s view in different cultures, genders, and lived experiences. I’ve been told repeatedly and enthusiastically over many years what a great hugger I am and how that makes family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers connect better with me – not to mention regularly getting all warm and fuzzy inside and outside.

If you’re like, “Dude – I. Am. Not. A. Hugger.” – I encourage you to still listen and see the world of hugging through a lens that may surprise you. If you’re like, “Joel – I enjoy hugs as much as the next person. But my culture, friends, or family would never go for this whole “Let's hug it out” thing instead of their preferred greeting and farewell gesture – I have some pro tips for you that may tip the scales in your hugging favor.

I do have some biases and acknowledgments to make: I'm 6'5″ or about two meters tall, physically uninhibited, a self-described physical touch person, and an extrovert who's been thinking about and experimenting with hugs for a long time. Some of my upcoming tips – especially around duration and going straight on – may feel genuinely foreign or even anxiety-inducing for you. Don't worry: we can work with whatever physical, mental, emotional, or cultural realities you bring to the hugging mix.

A hug is much more than two people embracing. It can say much more than you expect about who you are, what you represent, and the relationships you have with everyone around you. Huddle in close for this episode, because you’re about to learn some special things about how to give a great hug.

Goodness, that was a heck of a lead-in! Let's get contextual and get to the tips! Here … we … go.

I’ll share my tips and non-so-secret secrets in a little bit. But first, let me give some credit where credit is due.

Ryan Nicodemus inspired me in July 2014 when I saw him work the “hug line” at The Minimalists' Everything That Remains Tour stop in Minneapolis, Minnesota. People would come up to him for a handshake and he'd respond with outstretched arms, a sly smile, and a “Come on. Bring it in, brother or sister.” It was beautiful to see the handshake instantly converted into a hug and I noticed it left the huggee feeling good. That was also the moment when I decided I wanted a hug to be my default greeting. Because you're no longer strangers after you've hugged each other. I repeat, you’re no longer strangers after you’ve hugged each other.

So that's why you might hear me say “Bring it in” when I have a tentative hugger on my hands. Of course, I respect individual and cultural hug-free zones.

Jump forward a year and I'm at the World Domination Summit event in 2015. I'm standing in line, waiting for the theater doors to open on the first day, and I get hit/loved with a full-body hug from behind. I have no idea who it is and I remember saying something to my surprise hugger like, “I don't know who you are, but let's keep this going!”

10 seconds later – or 20 or 30, I wasn't counting – my Mystery Hugger makes herself known … and it was none other than the hugging dynamo, Naz Thompson. I immediately go in for my bonus, frontward-facing traditional hug and I'm just feeling a deep squeeze of lov-ed-y goodness. Naz gives *amazing*, “I'm not letting you go until I feel like it (and you'll enjoy every second)” hugs, which also shifted my perspective on the ideal length of a great hug.

This seems like a good time to reiterate that hugs – just like any other kind of physical touch – needs to be consensual. There are a lot of shady hugs given and received every day and I’m not OK with that. If I or anyone else comes at you with outstretch arms, hoping for or expecting a hug, you always have the right to say, “Stop. I’m not a hugger. I don’t want to hug you.” And if you hear someone say “C’mon – bring it in, brother. C’mon – bring it in, sister.” – you have permission to politely smile or forcefully scowl as you step away or say “No.”

With that in mind, there are also broader contexts than the one-to-one “you and me are greeting each other or saying goodbye” scenarios when hugging isn’t typically done or is a serious societal no-no. I’m not trying to say that the hug is for all of the world’s people and cultures or that it’s always superior to other types of gestures.

If you want to stick to sticking your tongue out to greet people like some Tibetan monks do – cool. They also press the hands together and place them in front of their chest to show that they come in peace.

If you’re in the Philippines and want to greet with the “Mano” (which is “hand” in Spanish), you can take an elder’s hand and gently and press it on your forehead.

If you want to give a bow, a “Namaste,” nose kisses, kisses on the cheek, or Maori hongi where you press your foreheads together and look each other in the eyes – it’s all good.

Each of these different types of greetings shares some of the most important symbols and meaning behind the best hugs. And depending on who you’re potential hugging partner is, you may have better luck in general with, say, Brazilians who don’t shy away from physical contact like certain Asian cultures do.

Just remember, a genuine, well-intentioned hug represents how warmly and openly you plan to communicate with each other for the rest of your time together. A bow can say “I plan to respect you until you give me a reason not to respect you.” A hug can say “I plan to let you get emotionally, mentally, or spiritually close to me and you’ll do the same until we give each other a reason not to.”

Now, for those respectful, “Everybody wins if the hugging is mutual” how to tips I promised:

Except for the first item, these are in a very rough order of importance. It’s not like if you mess up one of these and nail the others, your hug is going to be terrible. They are layers that interweave and stack on top of each other – still strong even if some don’t or can’t happen.

First, here's an overview of the 15 things I believe are most important to a great hug.

1. It comes from the inside. It's all about the energy, baby!
2. You're getting a hug as well.
3. Give options.
4. Put the phone away first.
5. Just … relaxxxxxx.
6. Aim for five seconds or more.
7. Telegraph the hug.
8. Come straight on.
9. Lead with the right body part.
10. Smooth out the height difference.
11. Mind the chin.
12. Longer arms go on the outside.
13. Don't start too strong.
14. Try for the one last squeeze.
15. The graceful exit.

Now for the details.

First and most importantly: hugs are primarily an energetic exchange. Hugs are primarily an energetic exchange. My friend Naz, who I mentioned as one of my biggest hugging inspirations, says that hugging actually comes from the inside. For her, it’s a whole being energetic thing. When Naz hugs you, she actually invokes all the love she feels for you and showers you with it. She’s imagining surrounding you with all the love-y goodness she can muster – and maybe that’s why her hugs are so darn good. In other words, a great hug comes from the inside.

If you bring gratitude and good vibes, your arms naturally know where to go, your body relaxes, your duration extends, and your squeeze lands. I've found the best huggers actually elevate the energy of whoever they're hugging. It's about helping your hugging partner be a little more present or a little more warm than they may have expected. Everything else I'm about to say is scaffolding if you don't agree that hugs are primarily an energetic exchange.

Pretty much everything I'm about to discuss is how to give a great hug. But always, always remember: you're getting a hug, too! It's easy to lose your focus on giving and forget about the receiving. A hug isn't a one-way transfer of energy: it's a two-way thing. Feel the hug your partner is giving you. You might want to soften your body. Let yourself be held. Resist the urge to “manage” the hug and dictate all the terms of it. Be open, be receptive, and receive as well as you give. People will notice the difference when you accept as well as you offer.

So on the giving side of things: give people with undeclared or unknown hug preferences some options. You know what you're getting into when you hug a family member or long-time friend. But that person you just met? I like to greet them by saying something like “What's your pleasure? A hug, handshake, high-five, fist-bump, or something else?” Then they get to name what they'd like in the moment. Notice how I intentionally listed the hug first in those options? I know what you're thinking. “Subtle, Joel. Very subtle.”

Next, put your phone away before you go in. Walking into a hug while glancing at your screen or pocketing your phone at the last moment sends a signal. Full presence starts before the hug does and, besides, it's hard to embrace someone while you're embracing your phone with one hand. Similarly, if anything else is encumbering you or will get between you and your hugging partner – like a heavy jacket – see if you can remove it before hugging it up. I've lived in Minnesota all my life so I know something about bulky jacket hugs. And they feel like there are layers of padding preventing me from making contact with the person underneath the jacket.

Here's an important part of hugging: relax. Just relax. Hugs are nice. Hugs can be cozy. This next hug might be the best part of your day. Relax into it and during it. Your hugging partner will sense if you're tense, so don’t be tense. Reeeeelaxxxxxx. Tension is the single most contagious and hug-killing variable. A tense hugger turns a five-second hug into an endurance test for their partner. The wet noodle hug also generally comes from someone overcorrecting from tense to floppy instead of finding warm and grounded. Of course, there are exceptions:

A loose hug can meet someone where they're at right now. A grieving person who comes in for a hug with low energy isn't failing at hugging – they're telling you something. Receiving that with full presence instead of trying to amp them up is its own skill.

For a highly touch-sensitive person, a soft, low-pressure hug is not a lesser hug. It may be the only hug they know or have available, and it's still real.

Sometimes the question isn't whether you or your huggee can bring big energy. It's whether you or they can be present enough to meet each other where you are, right now.

Plan to be hugging for five seconds or more. Yes fellas, even if it's two dudes hugging. I’m telling you that going in with that intention makes a world of difference, even if you don’t make it to five seconds. My research across cultures and time says that most people's hugging default is 1-2 seconds. I encourage you not to mentally count the seconds either while you’re hugging – that takes away the presence that you can give your hugging partner as a big, quiet gift.

Now, if you're hugging partner is clearly breaking away after one second, let them go. Let’s challenge, but not force anyone to extend what’s “normal” for a hug. Duration isn't always a signal that a hug is real. For neurodivergent folks or people with specific types of trauma or chronic pain, a five-second hug with any pressure can be genuinely overwhelming. It's not because they don't want connection – some people's nervous system or brains just process differently.

Telegraph the hug. I’m a fan of letting the person I’d like to hug know they’re about to be in for a hug unless they tell me or show me otherwise. You can extend your hands straight toward the intended huggee, but I prefer the “spread your arms wide to telegraph your intentions that you’re coming in for a hug” approach. It also makes for a better starting point for the enveloping hug if you so desire. You can also start from a neutral body position and simply ask, “Can we hug?” if you like that better.

Coming straight on. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d often rather skip the hug altogether if I’m looking at a side hug or a 45 degree angle hug. That's where many hugs go to quietly die. The shoulder-to-shoulder hug is essentially a handshake with arms unless you have no alternative, like if you're both sitting down or walking side-by-side. However … the side hug in particular is useful in certain contexts. For example:

• If someone is recovering from upper body surgery or someone has a disability that makes a frontal hug painful or unstable.
• For some people with trauma, a side hug is their real maximum – not a cop-out, but a genuine act of extending as far as they can.

A corollary to the principle of coming straight on is leading with the most appropriate body part. I prefer to lead with my belly if possible because sometimes the best hugs are those when your torsos touch before you get your arms wrapped around each other. Note: hugs with groin-to-groin contact are best left to lovers. But chest to chest hugs are wonderful, even between different genders. There's nothing sexual going on – it's just a hug. If your culture is like mine, we oversexualize everything from beer to cars to cards and especially the human touch. We’re not going to fall into that trap, are we?

Smooth out any height difference if you can. If there's more than a 6 inch / 15 cm height difference between huggers – if possible – find a step, street curb, grassy slope, stool, or something else to even out the gap. That also allows you to look each other in the eye as you're going in for the hug which is a nice little bonus. Maybe put a collapsible step ladder in your purse or pocket if it’s important enough. 😉 Or get down on your knees and let the shorter person – probably a kid or, in my case, one of my best friends – walk right into your now more accessible hugging zone. Don't overdo this tip. Not every hug needs a step stool and you don't want it to be awkward while you delay the hug until you find a park bench for your hugging partner to stand on. Don't ask me how I know that for a fact.

Pro tip for my fellow tall folks: if you're taller than your hugging partner, don't rest your chin on their shoulder. Tuck your chin into their back or don't make chin contact at all because it's more comfortable for them and allows for a deeper squeeze.

The person with the longer arms should have their arms on the outside. When I'm hugging a kid or someone with significantly shorter arms and they try to wrap their arms around mine, I feel like a T Rex whose arms are pinned to my body. Alternatively, you can have one arm on the inside and one arm on the outside, but that still doesn’t work as well.

Don't start too strong. This isn't a manly handshake contest! This allows you to discover and match the hugging intensity of your partner if you want to. This is the active listening of hugging. And read the signs before you start. Is the person you're about to hug in a wheelchair? Did they recently have surgery? Do they have osteoporosis where a firm squeeze is legitimately painful? Starting softer than you'd normally like to finish lets you calibrate. It also prevents you from overwhelming someone who came in for a gentle hug and got bear-mauled. If the hug seems one-sided and the other person’s not digging it or really engaged, release early.

Just when your hugging partner thinks it's over – it's not. Bring 'em back in for one last, solid squeeze. Think about it as putting an exclamation point on a hug. Of course, it's a bonus and the hug has to be good in the first place for this to land well. Also, the bonus squeeze might backfire based on the context. For example, it might not be appropriate to give a bonus squeeze to a stranger you just met at a funeral.

So far, we've been talking about the hug prep, mindset, and real-time mechanics. But once you're no longer embracing, look your hugging partner in the eyes and give them a genuine smile. It doesn't have to be your full smile or show teeth. A good grin can work, too. But the general vibe you're trying to communicate is, “That was nice. I like you.” Having a good transition out of the hug puts a nice cherry on top of the sundae.

None of the things I just mentioned come from the shocking amount of advice and opinions on the Internet about how to hug based on relationship, gender, culture, or other differences. I don't say that to diminish the fact that a hug should and will vary based on a hundred different variables. For example,

People have a lot to say about what it says when you wrap your arms around someone’s waist vs. chest vs. neck. I say – don’t over-analyze it. Let your height difference and relationship comfort intuitively guide you.

Also, there's a lot of chatter about where your hands go: there's lots to say here, but the only guidance I have is avoid the boobs and butt – unless you already know that kind of thing is cool with or enjoyed by your huggee. Do you slide your hands up and down, from the shoulders to the waist, or give someone a mini-massage or gentle pats on the back while you hug? Totally up to you, your context, and your relationship.

Do you speak while hugging or stay silent? I prefer a silent hug where all the talking is done with energy. But it's totally up to you. Silence, whispering “I love you” or shouting, “Golly jeez whiz pal – it sure it swell to see you!” is totally up to you.

What about your breath? If you're hugging for more than a 3 count, is it OK to let out an audible breath that says, “Hey, I like this. I like you.”? I say you betcha, but you have to decide that yourself. One other note about breathing during a hug: it's pretty much the Holy Grail of hugging if you can actively sync your breathing with your hugging partner. A shared exhale during a hug is one of the fastest ways to create genuine co-regulation. There's nerdy and legit neuroscience on this; synchronized breathing activates the vagus nerve and drops cortisol. I typically don't attempt this because my natural breathes are much longer than most folks and it feels forced to try and sync up.

What about the bro-hug with the slaps on the back? Surprise hugs from behind? The Beverly Hills Air Kiss hug? Scratching someone's back while hugging? A bear hug? The Pound Hug (also known as a gangsta hug, bro-grab, or homie hug)? These are all situational and can be a fun, and even amazing, change of pace from the standard hug I'm promoting.

If you get really into hugging, may I recommend something I experienced at Burning Man called the Long Uncomfortable Hug? Here's the story:

While riding my bike in the dark Nevada desert, I ran straight into a temporary art installation called Hug Deli. Imagine a small, open frame shack with a giant sign above it where you can order hugs from the menu and you pay with compliments. There was a couple behind the counter and they were taking orders. It turns out they had just got married an hour ago and wanted to run the Hug Deli for a bit to celebrate. My kind of people, for sure!

I had to decide: did I want a warm and fuzzy hug? A Group hug? Something else? Well, I ended up ordering the Long and Uncomfortable Hug from the menu and the bride decided she was going to do it with me. It. Was. Incredible. It probably went on for 2+ minutes and I got a side order of noseys to go with it. After we released each other, I whispered conspiratorially to her: “The jokes on you. There's no such thing as a hug that goes on too long when you're me.” We laughed, she loved my energy and hug, and said I was the perfect person to run Hug Deli for a while. So I did. I helped run the Hug Deli for about an hour and gave many memorable hugs like the Warm and Fuzzy to an obscenely sweaty man.

If you're looking for more of the lighter, playful side of hugs, I recommend watching a hilarious video about hugging from BuzzFeed, which I’ve linked to in the show notes at joelzaslofsky.com/smj003. As they say, “A first hug isn't about feeling good. It's about gently squishing a stranger against yourself and giving you something uncomfortable to bond over. If both parties do it correctly, both should be riding a wave of relief that such a strange and uncomfortable custom passed so fairly.”

I know that was a lot. So to recap the energetic, mental, and physical parts of a great hug:

1. It comes from the inside. The hug is primarily an energetic exchange, not a physical one.
2. You're getting a hug as well. Don't get so focused on giving that you forget to receive.
3. Give options. When in doubt, let someone choose the greeting or goodbye gesture from your verbal menu of options … but stack the deck in your hugging favor by listing the hug first.
4. Put the phone away first. You can't fully embrace someone when you're still embracing your phone.
5. Just … relaxxxxxx. Tension is one of the most hug-destroying variables.
6. Aim for five seconds or more. Going in with the intention of five seconds changes everything, even if you don't get there.
7. Telegraph the hug. Put out your arms and let your intentions be known.
8. Come straight on. Reposition your feet if you have to and aim straight – with exceptions for medical, physical, or trauma-related reasons where a side hug is someone's genuine best.
9. Lead with the right body part. The best hugs start when your torsos touch before your arms even get there.
10. Smooth out the height difference. Find a step, a curb, a grassy slope … or just get on your knees if you need to.
11. Mind the chin. Don't dig it into someone's shoulder or anywhere else it might be uncomfortable.
12. Longer arms go on the outside or someone might be hugging like a T-Rex.
13. Don't start too strong. This is the active listening of hugging. Start softer than you want to finish, calibrate the pressure along the way, and avoid bear-mauling someone who came in for something gentle.
14. One last squeeze. Just when they think it's over … it's not. Try for an exclamation point on the hug at the end, but only when the hug is already good and the context calls for it.
15. The graceful exit. How you leave a hug matters almost as much as how you enter one. As you separate, make eye contact and give a genuine smile – the one that says, “That was nice. I like you.” It's the cherry on top of the sundae.

Notice how almost all the tips involve something other than the actual physical connection of the hug. Did I mention that hugs are primarily an energetic thing? 🙂

Alright. Now you better know how to give and receive a great hug. Just think about how much better off all your future huggees will be as a result! It’s enough to make you feel so good that you need to go out and hug someone right now. Right?

You can find links to all the stuff I spoke about, takeaways, and a transcript in the show notes at joelzaslofsky.com/smj003.

Did you appreciate this episode or the show in general? Consider leaving a review wherever you listen to podcasts because it helps me stay motivated and gets the show in front of more folks.

I'll be back with you again to sling stories, facilitate connections, and whip up experiments to help you make friends with people, possibilities, and ideas … and occasionally talk about hugs.