Do you like doing things that scare the bejesus out of you?
I'm a fan of freaking yourself out – and maybe even others in the process – as long as it's intentional and for a good cause.
Well, I'm extremely intentional in this solo episode as I champion the causes of authenticity, vulnerability, and freedom through letting go.
The first question you may have after listening a bit is, “Wait … did he really go there?” And the answer is, “Yes. Yes I did.”
I've been withholding much of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be for far too long, and that ends now.
But I'm scared. Straight. Up. Scared.
I'm afraid that (just for starters):
- My words are too raw, too crude, or I've otherwise screwed up something between my brain and mouth that you'll hear way different than I intended.
- People will look down upon me as “unredeemable” in some ways.
- There are no “take backs” now that I've hit publish.
- I'm a giant hypocrite.
- What I say will come across as self-absorbed, self-important, and – more than anything – radically unkind to myself and what I try to represent in the world.
- I'll need explain the unexplainable, issue disclaimers, and provide way too much context for people to really understand why I feel the way and I do.
I'm intensely grateful for what and who I have in my life, but I'm super entitled at the same time. I'm a stumbling, bumbling contradiction who's just about done withholding all this crap I've kept inside for years.
So if you want to know how rich I am, how poorly I've treated my dogs, how controlling I get on “leaderless” projects, how bad my sugar binging still is, how much I love putting on a show, how fearful I am to say “I love you,” how much work this lifestyle entrepreneur still does, and why I quit things that seem hard … just press play.
Podcasting is a naturally one-way transmission, but let's change it up now and create a two-way street (as you'll hear me explain towards the end of the episode). Heck, let's make it a roundabout and include friends and family who need this kind of frank conversation, too!
You're about to Learn …
- Who I was, who I am, and who I want to be – truly and completely.
- Just how freakin' rich I am.
- Lots of things I'm scared of by publishing this episode.
- Why SimpleREV makes me feel like an entitled parent (or spoiled brat).
- How I've wronged my dogs and why.
- How I struggle with addiction and why I still feel hopeless sometimes.
- Why it took me fourteen years to tell a best friend, “I love you.”
- My history with quickly quitting anything that seems hard.
- How I'm not “loyal to the absent.”
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Resources and Items Mentioned in This Episode:
- Websites:
- Resources:
- SimpleREV Local
- The Authentic Relating Games Handbook
- Books:
- Podcast Episodes
- Blog Posts:
- Mike Hrostoski: What Are You Withholding?
- Joshua Becker: The Freedom of Authenticity (and 7 of My Biggest Flaws)
- Leo Babauta: I Failed
- Mike Burns: Loyal to the Absent (Part 3): “Sometimes I Suck at This…”
- The Biggest Risk I Ever Took (and Why I'm Better Off for Being Terrible)
- Screw 80-20: Let’s Do 99-1 (A Tribute to Destroying Addictions)
Topics
- [02:10] The context behind what I've been withholding
- [09:52] The event that finally pushed me to record this episode
- [15:45] Why I hit record and what I'm scared of
- [19:49] I'm rich. Like, really, really rich.
- [22:33] Sometimes I treat my dogs like crap
- [25:14] Why and how SimpleREV brings out the worst in me
- [32:33] Sugar and video game addictions (past and present)
- [36:05] Ways I like to put on a show
- [38:48] Withholding in and with my most important relationships
- [48:13] How much I work and whether I actually like it
- [51:49] Why I often quit when things seem hard
- [55:27] The silver linings and takeaways
How to Join the Authenticity/Vulnerability Parade
I believe so much of our suffering comes from lying. That so much of our pain comes from withholding.
So if you have something big to get off your chest, leave a comment below and tell us one thing that you've been withholding for days … months … even years.
It will feel gooood. But perhaps more importantly, it will help others understand that this vulnerability, authenticity, intentional living thing? It's to be embraced, not avoided.
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Transcript
The transcript will not be available until I find a new transcriptionist (if you know someone good, let me know).
I'm Grateful for Your iTunes Reviews!
If you enjoyed this specific episode or the Smart and Simple Matters show in general, I always appreciate when people go to the iTunes page and leave an honest review. Every single review is a huge help and received with gratitude!
If you want to make me incredibly thankful, like the people who have recently left an iTunes review, here are the four quick steps (assuming iTunes is already installed):
- Visit the Smart and Simple Matters iTunes page here: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/value-simple-podcast-joel/id545208089
- Click the blue button on the left labeled “View in iTunes” below the cover art of the show
- When iTunes loads, scroll down below the “Customer Reviews” section and click the link labeled “Write a Review”
- Write a review with whatever title you like, whatever length you have time for, and give the show an honest rating. If you don't think it deserves five stars, don't rate it as a five star show.
And if you have someone or something you'd like us to cover on an upcoming show, tell us in the comments below.
I’ve been looking into minimalism and simplifying and eventually found my way to your podcasts and then your website. They are inspiring and a great help in clarifying and understanding what an amazing life could be out there for my family and me if we go down this route. I had to leave a comment on this podcast especially as your honesty and openness are awesome, courageous and inspiring! And yes, I too have failed, too many times to mention and at too many things but I am making changes and now I look at every day as a chance to start again rather than another opportunity to mess up. Just that different mindset has made a great difference.
Your journey sounds super encouraging, Kat. And thanks for sharing your struggles first out of everyone. It’s hard to be the first and I hope everyone who comes after you appreciates how you made it a little easier for them to share as well.
Joel – Great episode! Vulnerability looks good on you. Of course I had to get over the fact that you are rich – I mean, I’ve been genuinely worried about your inability to ask for money. Now I’m still worried but for completely different reasons.
Also want to let you know that entitlement is not the same thing as feeling unappreciated. And even though I can’t make Simple Rev again this year – nothing to do with the super extra special value amount you are asking people to invest in their own community – I appreciate all the work you do to forward the intention and idea of SIMPLICITY.
It is a conundrum when the very people we try to reach are not interested in media. 🙂
I love you Joel – you always brighten my day.
And I hope it’s a delightful one. Now go curate those recipes, until you do they are just clutter.
Your pal,
Miriam
Are you impressed? Yeah, I suffer from that one too.
Your comments and support are always welcome, Miriam. But I’m confused about your new reasons to worry about my money issues based on this podcast episode. I’m sure you’ll explain yourself fully when we chat next. 🙂
I’m more concerned with my sense of entitlement right now than my money avoidance issues. But both are big issues to dive deep into, and that will probably take a long time to resolve. Knowing you’re here to listen, guide, and help makes a tremendous difference, though.
Any time Joel – and I’m not that worried. 🙂
As it turns out, I struggle with some of the exact same things that you do. Sugar is a constant battle. I’ve never been able to sustain any particular diet that will keep me off desserts or sweets for more than a few weeks. My weight fluctuates constantly in 6-12 month swings. 190-230 depending on what I’d spent the last few months doing.
I’m awful at showing gratitude that requires forethought or planning. I don’t do some of the most seemingly obvious things to show gratitude to the people I love. This is what I hate most about myself. I feel like it could be so simple to do a few things that would mean the world to my family, friends, and most of the time it doesn’t happen. I am absolutely blessed to have a wife that helps push me to stay on top of some of the most basic things in this regard.
I have a horrible fear of confrontation. I HATE conflict, and will not stand up for myself or others as my way of dissolving a potential conflict or avoiding confrontation. I slink away and I’m trying to change that.
I am a people pleaser. A chameleon, more or less, I shapeshift and mold to try to fit into groups that I want to be in, instead of being consistent and strong in my sense of self. I want to be accepted. I want to be who people want me to be.
I get overwhelmed pretty easily. While i like to think that I’m great at handling all kinds of things and having interests in a typical multipotentialite fashion, I’m really quite bad at it all. Between my day job, running a blog, being involved with SimpleREV, The Hope Effect, trying to maintain important relationships, I tend to drop a lot of balls. Even if there aren’t many tasks actually assigned to me for any of the above, even the mental weight of just having it on my plate can be overwhelming. A lot of the time, it ends up in todo list explosion where I get overwhelmed and absolutely nothing gets done at all. A friend emailed me recently: “Some days I feel busy, other days I feel like maybe I’m just not disciplined and if I worked harder I’d be done with all this stuff.” That sums it up pretty well.
All in all, this episode was super inspiring and it means a lot to hear you lay it all out there. I’ve barely covered all the things I’m holding in, but wanted to share since you were so brutally honest with all of us today.
Lastly, and arguably most importantly, I love you too, man. You’re a great friend and a source of constant inspiration for all that is good in the world. Thanks for everything you do. I’m sorry I don’t say that, or likely show it enough.
Anthony, my man. It’s an Internet love-fest for us until we see each other next.
And that sugar crap? Dude. It can be straight-up brutal. I know there are literally hundreds of millions of people who have the same struggles as us, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about my sugar binging. Mark Sisson taught me that just because something is common doesn’t make it normal (or desirable).
For the record, I think you do a splendid job of showing gratitude to me, with me, and among others, at least when I’m around. But your feelings are legitimate and I’m among many who appreciate you sharing them in public. Ahhhhhhh … right?
Thank you for the shout out brother! Vulnerability looks good on you.
Love, Power, and Freedom,
Mike
I’m starting to recognize that vulnerability looks pretty damn good on everyone, Mike. Thanks for being a shining beacon to dudes and dudettes around the world.
Joel! I just listened to this episode and I wanted to hug you the whole time. It is so tough, but also freeing and healing, to be as open as you just were! As I listened, I heard a lot of my own attitudes towards myself reflected in your words; it helped me realize that a lot of our “faults” are just personal unmet goals, rather than objective problems. Nobody can do it all, especially not all at once, but you are a person who tries and that is so commendable.
I’ll give you a personal “failing” of mine: I don’t pick up other people’s trash. I am an environmentalist, I say, and it disturbs me to see trash lying around in urban or natural environments, but I constantly excuse myself from “making it my problem” by feeling anger at the person who dropped the trash and indignant that it should be my problem now. I realize this solves nothing, and is a point of cognitive dissonance and hypocrisy that I have only mentally noted to myself before now. And presently I don’t know what I plan to do with this information, other than be aware of it, and maybe some day make that change in myself. Your podcast helped me look at my own failures as moments to see myself, process the reality of my actions, and make new goals for myself out of compassion.
When you spoke about sugar I completely related. I recently called this “battling my sugar demon,” but in the past month or so I have changed my ideas about emotional eating, in great part due to this youtube video made by two people who are very intentional eaters:
Emotional Eating and Food Addiction with Andrew Perlot & HandyManBananas (Conor McMillen):
The video speaks about people who are making the switch to being raw vegans, a diet without the heavy foods that weigh us down, take energy to process, and dampen our emotions. Suddenly these new raw vegans are getting overwhelmed by their emotions, which before they didn’t have the energy to feel. This describes me after I made several intentional diet changes (though I am not a raw vegan) and have otherwise become more aware of my reality and intentional-acting within it: it is exhausting to be intentional and aware. So we crave processed sugar and other weighty foods to numb ourselves.
Bleeding ourselves of our secret self-hatreds and doubts by sharing them with others is important, but treating ourselves with the same compassion we would afford to those we love is even moreso. I am no longer abusing myself with anger when I eat sugar, but rather recognizing that the urge to “sugar myself” comes from stress, and being angry with myself only causes more stress. In the past week I spent several days craving Junior Mints, and realized that it makes sense because of the stressful in-between-homes situation I’ve found myself in. I wanted to be a little numb. And that’s okay, sometimes. I didn’t feel like a failure when I finally ate a box of Junior Mints yesterday at a movie theater. And today that craving has subsided instead of, as in the past, increasing due to my self-disappointment.
Be nice to you 🙂 And keep doing things like this. You’re amazing.